Today at Palm Sunday mass, my daughter had, what I would call, the biggest meltdown she’s had in public yet. My husband and I worked so hard to participate and keep both our babies happy and listening in mass. It was the hardest day yet for us. I felt so defeated. My two-year-old, almost three, will just not listen to us at times. She gets to a point where she will shout “No!” It’s probably normal, and I understand she’s learning so much for the first time and regulating her emotions. But for me, it took several hours after to calm myself and understand that this was okay.

Palm Sunday is the beginning of Holy week. We gather together, and the priest sprinkles Holy water over the blessed Palms we hold. Hosanna! I wanted so much to be able to listen to the homily with my full attention, but my daughter needed me at that time. Both my babies have been going to mass every Sunday, and have always been so well behaved and adored by others around us. This time was different, though. After getting mean looks from a group of young women behind us, I quickly got embarrassed and flustered. Maybe these women didn’t have kids, and therefore cannot understand how hard it is to take littles to church, or rather get them through the mass. Regardless, I will never know, and I cannot assume. I can only control my reaction to my daughter’s actions.

It was hard because every time my toddler said “no,” I  would take her out. Then we thought she’d be fine, so we took her back in. About ten times and switching babies between my husband and I. It was exhausting. It got to the point where I had to take her out to the car and miss communion. As much as I was upset about missing communion, I knew my daughter needed me more in that moment and that God still loves us.

After I had taken her to the car and calmly explained that we don’t behave that way in church, she became quiet and just wanted to hold my hand. She then said, “I love you, Mama,” when I grew quiet in thought. When my husband and seven-month-old met us outside by the car, we talked. He said the older man next to us said, “Are you having fun yet?” while laughing, and that made him feel better. He, too, noticed the mean looks from the women behind us.

My husband and I realized that we were doing our best, as embarrassing as it was. We also saw that love is patient and love is kind. We discussed that we need to be firmer at home and say no more often so she gets used to it out in public. But then again, is this just normal behavior for toddlers? Probably. As my husband says, “This is our first child. We have no idea what normal is supposed to be.”

Parenting is no easy task. We are raising little humans, and I sure feel the responsibility on my shoulders. I am trying my best to do the right things, say the right things, and act the right way. At the end of the day, though, I’m not perfect. But I can be a good human, and if I mess up, I can apologize and make sure my toddler knows the right thing to do.

Jesus loves us. He is patient, kind, and forgiving! As I wrestled my toddler out of church, she screamed, “No! I want to say hi to Jesus!” I know she wanted to be there. I know she loves Jesus and God, but she was having a rough day. I think about what I did or didn’t do to make her get to the point of taking her out to the car. I didn’t give her snacks in the car before we left. Maybe she was still tired? Maybe all of us gathering for the palms confused her into thinking mass was over when it was just starting. We also sat directly in the middle versus our normal spot in the back. Things are changing for her. She’s learning no. She’s learning how to share with her baby sister. She’s learning potty training and sleeping on her own. It was clear in that moment she just needed to hold my hand, and to have me tell her I loved her too, unconditionally.

Love is patient, and love is kind. And I will keep trying again and again and again until her good behavior shines through! Lord, help us! Because she deserves to be in church. And she deserves a mom that will fight for her through mean looks and all. Looking back now, I see I need to give her a little more grace or rather show her more grace. I need to show myself more grace, too, and patience and kindness. Understand humility and be okay with mean looks. Understand that some people will always give you mean looks, but it’s best to smile anyway. As Father Paul says in our church, “Keep bringing your little ones.” I love when he is there and says this every time he does a mass. It is hard, but it is worth it. We are teaching our little ones to be the future of our church.

Have a Blessed Holy week.